Ghost in the Machine

Last Monday I suffered a technology meltdown. It started with my computer requesting my Outlook password. I would add the password click continue and it would immediately pop up again. After about 20 times my Outlook program that organizes all my email started going bonkers. Now flooded with Adrenaline, pits sweating, and breathing hard, I shut everything down several times and re-booted my computer. Back on and things are getting worse. None of my email is loading. Now the browser won’t open so I cannot even Google a solution. Deep breath.  Unloaded my Microsoft Office Suite and re-installed. No, I didn’t know how to do that on my own as I am frantically Googling on another computer and also my phone trying to problem solve. Re-start computer. Nothing.

At this point I am freaking out. The amount of stress I am experiencing is not worthy of the magnitude of these emotions. I am in a panic that is worthy of full on catastrophe.  It is a stupid computer, it is emails.

I found that I cannot read simple numbered directions and perform them successfully.  Once read, I think to myself, “Well that doesn’t seem so hard.”  As I try to put them into action on my own screen I cannot remember what comes after #2.  I found better success with watching a video, I have to watch on a separate screen and hit pause after every direction. Inevitably my screen has one word out of place or something in the left corner than on the right corner where the help video said I would find it. Is PRIVACY AND SETTINGS the same thing as PRIVACY AND SET UP OPTIONS?  It makes me feel less than bright and also helpless. Time to call in some help and throw money at the problem.

The Microsoft Nerds have taken control of my screen. After 4 hours I am in way too deep. I am cancelling a client and cannot get anything done workwise which is compounding my anxiety level for the day.

I am peppered with questions from the outside source.
“What system are you running?”
“What is your virus software and when did you update it last?”
“Enter in your Microsoft password?” 
“No that is not the same as your Outlook password.”
“Have you clicked on anything suspicious lately?”

I cannot help but feel judged. Especially when I have to pause for so long to look anything up, or worse when they have to tell me where to go on my computer to find the answer. We finally get everything re-installed and it appears the finish line is in sight. Time to re-load my email addresses.

What's your password?

Everyone I talked to made me feel shameful about how I stored my passwords. How could I possibly not know all of the passwords off the top of my head? You don’t have a top-secret program that stores them all for you and will only open for you and your thumb and eyeball? 

Three days later, because I have had to reset most of my passwords, I now have to reload them on my phone. One lone email address will not load correctly on my Iphone. Apple Genius decides it is not an Apple problem and I am back to where I started.

I have now read and watched everything online, live chatted, phone chatted, and now in person visited with the experts for three days. But in the end, I have to take the information given and deduce how it will work for me and my set up. I got home from the Apple store and something clicked. I tried a couple more times and presto – I fucking figured it out.

And I thought….this is just so yogic. In the end, no one inhabits your own body and lives your life but you. You can gather all the info, ask the experts, watch the videos, but in the end you need to do the work and figure out the solution yourself. 

Additionally, it requires your full attention. Much of the time in our everyday lives, our minds are preoccupied with our thoughts, including worries about the future, ruminations about the past, and judgments about the present. During the whole ordeal I was so worried about how this was all going to affect me that I was really never PRESENT. 

Work with the teachers, the so-called experts, and allow yourself to ask questions and not feel judged. Explain to them how things feel, how you use the technology in your own life, to make things easier not harder.

Below you can check out yoga classes, our Writing + Yoga retreat in Italy, and a teaser for a BIG announcement for June of 2024. Guess what? You can email me if you have any questions and I will get the email on my computer AND on my phone and answer you promptly.

xoxo

JK